the divine feminine - i initiate
unconditional love is an
immaculate concept
 I Act
Independently
One
of the first things I learned early in my story was the difference
between animate and inanimate objects.
Animate
objects could move on their own. Inanimate objects
couldn‘t. I could run away from the bath tub and
not run
away from Mom. Mom could move on her own,
too, and
she was bigger and faster.
I had my own Will. Like all
volitional creatures, I was born into a life of making choices and,
then taking action on those choices.
I learned things that
couldn’t move were easier to deal with then those that could.
By
easier I mean inanimate objects didn’t have any vhoice. In any
contest
between my way of ‘picking up the ball’ and the ball’s way of ’staying
put’, I was going to win. Hands down.
Hands,
arms, fingers, legs, feet, eyes, mouth…, I was in charge of moving
these parts. I could crawl, walk, run, climb, grab,
pull,
put into mouth. I could do all sorts of things with this Will
of
mine. I could get into anything and everything. And
usually
tried.
This is where I would run into trouble…
When it came to dealing with other ‘creatures’ similarly equipped.
Some
were bigger. Some were stronger. Some just weighed
more. Some came equipped with long teeth, sharp nails and,
various other accoutrements that engendered respect.
It took
many chapters of my story to learn what battles of Will were worth
fighting and which ones weren’t. What’s the use in fighting
about
‘not wanting to go to bed’ with someone who can pick you up and put you
into bed, whether you liked it or not? And forget about picking
the
cat up by its tail. The cat objects. Vehemently.
I
learned to do the only thing I could. Bide my time.
One day
I would be bigger and stronger. I knew I needed time to
develop
my accoutrements, too, like size, skills and intelligence.
Then I
would be empowered to compete in ‘battles of will’ with others of
similar self interest.
I lived in a World of competition. Dog eat dog.
Survival of the fittest and all that.
Through
many decades I played the game by the rules. I was
Willful. Will full. The game was to use
that Will to
dominate others and reality at large, into subjugation and
compliance.
I was full of it alright. I was full of emotional
insecurities. I was full of having to have things my own way.
Give me my way so I’ll know you Love me.
Give me my way so I’ll feel secure.
And if agreement wasn’t given willingly, then I’d battle over
control. Who was going to control whom.
Basically,
I used my Will to negate other people’s, for the purpose of temporarily
satisfying my emotional need to feel like a winner. It fed my
ego, my sense of my self. Snuffing out other people’s candles
made it appear like mine burned brighter…
…for a very short while.
I
lived in a world of needy people, where we all battled in competition
over who’s needs were going to be met. Mine or
yours. And
who was going to supply what ever it took to meet those
needs.
You or me.
Who was Master? And who Servant?
I
once thought I knew. But I was mistaken. The honest
truth
was that if I needed other people to surrender their Wills in service
to my own, I wasn’t either independent or self reliant. I might as well have been born with mental and
emotional
umbilical cords that kept me attached to whomever was supplying what I
needed.
I knew little freedom as a result. My
Will was a slave of my emotions. Which were in turn, results
of
my choice to believe in certain ideas. Namely, the idea of
conditional Love. Since that belief limited the nurturing and
love I gave to myself, I was doomed to forever look to others
to
supply what I denied. Conditional love made me feel forever
lacking.
It was this foundation of a deficit, a
lack, that was the basis for all my relationships of give and
take. With the roles of giver and taker alternating, being
determined by a battle of wills, whenever a need arose.
No
matter how proficient in intimidation I got, whenever I extorted or
coerced agreement through any use of fear or force, I was destined to
have to keep up that use of fear and force, in order to continue to
exact that agreement. It was perpetually exhausting.
I
knew I wasn’t secure. I wasn’t ever going to feel secure
either,
so long as I kept up this act. I couldn’t lie to my
Heart. Simply the use of fear or force in order to extort or
coerce, nullified the very concept of Willingness.
No
wonder there was no security. No wonder there was no
trust.
There was no genuine Willing.
Grudging or cowering
compliance wasn’t the same as Willing. With compliance, there
was
an inertia that had to be overcome. A resistance.
Which was
met by a greater force. ‘Immovable object meet irresistible
force.’
Inertia I understood. Inertia was me
when I really didn’t want to do something. When I didn’t
really
feel like agreeing. People called it Stubborn. What
it was,
was UN-Willing. Like the cat, when it came to being picked up
by
its tail.
This use of fear and force to control and
discipline, was the way I had been taught to relate to myself. I
quite naturally used it as my pattern to relate to others,
too.
In any and all inner battles I waged, between head and heart, between
mind and emotions, between enjoying the life I lived and worrying about the
hereafter, I was a beast of an authority with an ugly whip.
What
I required of myself was extreme self control, self discipline and self
reserve. And it was only through sheer strength of Will and a
continuous application of my whip, that I kept myself in
check.
In my story there was no beauty, only a beast.
It was then I knew there would be no ‘happily ever after’ for
me. Not in this story the way it was going.
‘North poles go with north magnetic fields. South poles go
with south magnetic fields.’
Conflicted
person with inner battles waging, attracts the same. The
Universe
operated Cooperatively, even when it came to cooperative
competition.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fool after all?
It
was the slightest of shifts I made that day. But one with
profound effects in my story. I shifted from willful to
willing.
I shifted from conditional love to Unconditional Love.
I shifted from having a good Will to having a Loving One.
I shifted from willfully condemning and rejecting to willingly seeking
to understand.
I shifted from willfully doling out punishment to willingly extending
compassion.
I shifted in how I related to myself.
I became my own Beauty. And began Loving my own
Beast.
And therein solved the riddle of my drama. By becoming my own
Hero, I saved myself from my own villainy.
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the divine feminine - 