the divine feminine - i feel
unconditional love is an
immaculate concept
 I
Feel.
I can ride
the waves or be controlled by them.
Feelings
are inherent in our nature. No two ways about it.
We ALL
feel. E-motion, energy in motion. While I
acknowledge my
expertise when it came to suppressing and repressing my feelings, the
one thing I never knew to do, was govern them. By
the looks
of things, most of us have never heard of being self governing in
regards to our emotions, either. Our stories seem to be
filled
with melodramatic drama queens cast in the tile role of main characters
for the most part.
One of the most freeing revelations I
had, was in realizing I was in charge of how I felt. My
thought
patterns created peptides and, those peptides came in many
flavors. When my thinking patterns told my hypothalamus to
create
’fear’ peptides, then fear peptides were what flooded the cells of my
body. I would say: I’m feeling fearful or I‘m
feeling
insecure.
According to my old habit pattern, I would blame
those around me or the World, for why I felt the way I
did.
I didn’t know nor understand about peptides then. I
didn’t
realize my insecurities were my own issues. Instead, I tried
to
make others feel guilty for me having them. ‘You make me
mad.’ ‘You hurt my feelings.’ ‘You
insulted
me.’ ‘Your remarks are offensive.‘ What I
was too
ignorant to claim responsibility for, I blamed on others.
Looking
back, I would level a charge of ‘Guilty’ over anyone’s head, that
didn’t respond to me, in the way I needed them to respond.
What
were they Guilty of? Failing to respond the way I needed them
to
respond. My needs, my emotional needs, were what
mattered.
Did I get these needs met? If yes, then
everything was fine, regardless of what it took from another.
If
no, then everything wasn’t fine and the person who failed to meet my
needs was vilified.
Thanks to my learned attitude of
conditional Love, I was emotionally needy all the time. I
never
really was sure of all the conditions, either. I tried to
learn
the ‘rules’ but they changed depending on who I talked to.
The
one thing that never changed was not being nurturing in what ever we
believed about ourselves.
I looked deeper. Not
being nurturing in my own beliefs, I looked to other people to save me
from myself. To make up for what I dictated I lacked.
I
was proficient in the use of coercion, extortion, manipulation and
force, in order to satisfy my emotional needs. As
you can
guess, my relationships were always battlegrounds. I’d battle
to
see to it that my needs were met, while others would battle for their
needs being met.
My relationships were relationships
of competition. I was an emotional leech and my life
consisted of
socializing with other leeches. We would compete over the
title
of who sucked the most.
Then I realized my feelings were
much like the light that shines from the Moon. The Moon had
no
inherent radiance of its own. It merely reflected the light
of
the Sun. So too, were my feelings a reflection of what I
believed. If my thoughts were dark, then so were my feelings.
Wonder of all wonders, I realized it would work the
same way in reverse. If my thoughts were positive, then so
would
be my feelings. All it took to change one into the other, was
a
change in perspective.
I found that
perspective. I don’t really know how I did it. It
just came
to me one day. Always embraces all ways. On the
level of
‘quantum’, there was no such thing as rejection. It’s power,
was
it’s inclusiveness. On that level, the Universe was
all
inclusive, all embracing. There was no such thing as anyone
who’d
ever lived that had been a ‘not chosen’. The notion was
scientifically and philosophically impossible. If it exists
or
had ever existed, it was found Acceptable to the Universe and, called
Existence.
Christ! It hit me. Love and
Life extended itself for the sheer Joy of the experience.
Positive experience, negative experience, it’s all
experience.
Every moment is a Present. A Gift.
A full life
had nothing to do with length and everything to do with experiences
embraced in it. I realized if I didn’t spend so
much time
in my imagination, living in the past, nursing old wounds, then maybe I
wouldn’t be so clueless as to my future. I
discovered
knowing where I am had a great deal to do with understanding where I
might be heading.
I had never known Unconditional Love
before. All I had experienced was the lack of it.
This is
what made me feel needy all the time. With love upon
condition, I
was never sure if I had fulfilled all conditions.
It’s
only the lack of Love that I had felt,that motivated me to barter with
myself. Genuine, Unconditional Love was exactly what I
had never felt. And have never stopped feeling, since I chose
it
as the foundation for the kind of relationship I have with
myself. I can’t give what I don’t
have. And I
never will have it, if I don’t imagine giving it to myself, first.
I discovered the security of having, was much more pleasant then the
insecurity of getting.
The
hardest time for me, was when I was first starting to change how I
thought and, subsequently felt, about myself. In realizing my
emotions were my emotions, I also recognized other people’s feelings,
were other people’s feelings. I was not responsible for
’other
people’s feelings‘, just as they were not responsible for
mine. I
knew then, I didn’t have a prayer of a chance of governing anyone
else’s hypothalamus. Learning how to govern my own was enough
of
a challenge for me.
It was with great Joy that I realized
my immune system had just become empowered to nullify the ‘negative’
effects of name calling and guilt trips.
I
couldn’t be blamed or made to feel guilty. Actually, I could
be
blamed. Just not made to feel guilty. That was
another
insight. I didn’t have to give the power of Truth, to what
other
people said or claimed to believe.
I Knew I didn’t have any power over
another’s feelings. None. From my new perspective,
to claim
that I did, would be both arrogant and presumptuous, by falsely claiming power over another with my
actions intent on keeping another person limited in their own self
realization.
It
was then I began to discover how many ideas I had believed in, that
required other people believing likewise, in order for me to feel sure
of, myself. I began to recognize my own self doubt
and
where it was coming from. It was coming from my
Self. It
was coming from believing in ideas so flimsy, that I was dependent upon
others for support.
Those like me would gather
together like sticks in a teepee, leaning on each other, as our only
means of support. We’d all be upright citizens
together.
United we’d stand and divided, we’d fall. As you can imagine,
every single one of us was very controlling. One wrong move
by
any one of us, could upset the whole bunch.
Now many of us
may argue about the subject of Truth. Arguing over which
Truth is
true. I don’t argue. I simply state that
the Truth is
True. If whatever we choose to believe is True, we are sure
is
True, then it provides a foundation of knowing so secure, that we don’t
need anyone else’s agreement for support. For the substance
of
Truth, is True. It stands on Its own, being dependent upon neither time nor space.
I learned
the lesson about the silk purse and the sow’s ear. Both
appeared
soft but only one was genuine silk. That’s
pretty
much the same as it was with me and the previous identity I expressed
to the world.
The reason I was an empty vessel, was because my life had so little
genuine me in it.
From
the Understanding I was quickly assimilating, I realized I’d feel like
a complete hypocrite if I continued cursing the world for mirroring my
own rejection and self betrayal.
I was the one that rejected me first.
And I betrayed my own self interest every time I doubted in my self.
I
made these kinds of decisions when I believed in conditional
love. I don’t abide love upon condition in my life
anymore.
I didn’t like the self image of bartering for love and
affection.
And realized so long as I was out of my Ever Loving Mind, I knew, that
by my own Will, that’s all I could ever hope to be.
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the divine feminine - 