the divine feminine - i desire

unconditional love is an immaculate concept

I Desire

Things of Value to Carry with Me

Ahhh…, Love & Attraction.  Obviously, I had issues with what I was and had been, attracting, as far as experiences went.   Same ole’ story, over and over and over.  And I didn’t especially like it.  Enough is as good as a feast, already.  

I could understand the magnetism of what I was attracting on a Quantum level but, honestly, what did Love have to do with it?

Then it hit me, I had chosen to Love the lack of it.  Of all things, I had been blindsided when it came to Values.   That’s when I became the proverbial bull in a china shop.   The china shop being the Values I had been serving.  That I was now mindless in rattling as my inner life came crashing down, as insubstantial as a house of cards. 

One time later in my story my Husband suggested I give away my secret formula for miracles.  Just charge a hell of a lot for postage and handling.  I disregarded his statement about postage and handling, knowing he was just being a rascal.  But his statement that I had a secret formula puzzled me.  I didn’t know I knew a formula, secret or otherwise, for miracles.

Then he quoted my own words back to me.

“Values I carry with me where ever I go.”

Oh, I thought, that formula.  ‘That’s a formula?’, I asked him, somewhat thrown off by the utter blatancy that had escaped me, unnoticed.  Him, being him, just let me chew on it for a while, letting me digest what he had said.  It required I take a trip down memory lane, to when I first asked myself to make a list of:

Values I carry with me where ever I go.

I remembered my list.  I also remembered how insecure a person I was when I made it.

I listed things like:

Ÿ         Money
Ÿ Checkbook
Ÿ Credit card
Ÿ Debit card
 Safety deposit box key. (which held a whole ‘nother list)

The next question I asked myself was, ‘how much time did I spend absorbed with these  things?’

Stark realization began to sink in.  I spent a LOT of time focused on these things, protecting these things and, trying to accumulate more.   Why, my feelings of worth and security, were tied to these and other, things. 

Things I could get using various means.  I never did resort to outright thievery.  I learned about working for what I desired.  I also learned how to cajole and manipulate through guilt.  Blaming other people for how I felt and, doing my best to try to make them feel guilty for me feeling that ‘not happy’ way.  Among the things that I counted on the most, was getting other people to agree with me.

I looked at my list.  Things I could get. 

Things that not only could be got, but could also be taken.  Which led me face to face with one of my greatest fears.  Loss.  Loss of the things and loss of the ability to get more.

A panorama of my life opened up before me.  It almost made me nauseous. 

I could get alright.  But in that getting, I never did have.  I had spent countless moments pursuing objects of my affection, that once acquired, never had  led to any firm or secure sense of anything.  Worth or loved.  What I had created instead, was a solid sense of being able to acquire and to fight to keep.

 And it took a lot of effort. 

Being Honest with mySelf, I’m like a train to get moving.  I gather momentum as I go.  That makes it easy to plough through barricades in my way without any extra effort.  I asked my momentous Self what was the purpose of all this revving of engines if I never arrived at a destination?  Perpetual motion was exhausting.  Especially when it took everything I got,  to keep going.  Aha!  Give and take…equals a net of zero.

I finally grasped it. 

My previous list had been a list of things I could get.  Had got.  And showed my potential for getting even more.

Look at me!  I’m a go-getter.  Barreling down the tracks.

With my one track mind fueled by all my insecurities.

My inner world reeled as I came to a complete stop in my thinking.  That‘s when my life started to resemble a train wreck as far as appearances went.

‘Things of Value I carry with me where ever I go.’

Where had I invested my sense of worth?

OUTSIDE of myself, that’s where.  In things.  In Objects.  In achievements.  I saw where this train of thought had led.  To an endless series of competitions as a racing rat of an engine.   How cheesy.

Oh, by all appearances I certainly wouldn’t have been considered even close to poor, yet, it was all a screen.  A fake store front.  It provided an appearance of a person of worth.  I say ‘fake’ simply because inside my own heart, where it counted, I knew I wasn’t secure.  Everything I got, could be taken.

Worse, even if I managed to ‘keep’ whatever I ‘got’, no matter how durable the good, it eventually would return to dust.  Even plastic was biodegradable in lava.  Depreciation, depletion, amortization, erosion, devaluation, attrition, everywhere I looked was subject to outside influences.  Especially time. 

Staking my worth and sense of security on anything like this was risky.  I’d have to be pretty tricky and inventive to be able to control all these possible outside influences.  Even if I somehow managed the ludicrous idea of becoming Heap Big Chief in charge, controlling ’time’ was going to be somewhat of a challenge.  

There’s got to be something else, my Intuition told me.  I just sensed it.  So I asked myself the question again. 

Ahhh…, Love & Attraction.  Obviously, I had issues with what I was and had been, attracting, as far as experiences went.   Same 
 ole’ story, over and over and over.  And I didn’t especially like it.  Enough is as good as a feast, already. 

I could understand the magnetism of what I was attracting on a Quantum level but, honestly, what did Love have to do with it?

Then it hit me, I had chosen to Love the lack of it.  Of all things, I had been blindsided when it came to Values.   That’s when I became the proverbial bull in a china shop.   The china shop being the Values I had been serving.  That I was now mindless in rattling as my inner life came crashing down, as insubstantial as a house of cards. 

One time later in my story my Husband suggested I give away my secret formula for miracles.  Just charge a hell of a lot for postage and handling.  I disregarded his statement about postage and handling, knowing he was just being a rascal.  But his statement that I had a secret formula puzzled me.  I didn’t know I knew a formula, secret or otherwise, for miracles.  

Oh, I thought, that formula.  ‘That’s a formula?’, I asked him, somewhat thrown off by the utter blatancy that had escaped me, unnoticed.  Him, being him, just let me chew on it for a while, letting me digest what he had said.  It required I take a trip down memory lane, to when I first asked myself to make a list of:

Stark realization began to sink in.  I spent a LOT of time focused on these things, protecting these things and, trying to accumulate more.   Why, my feelings of worth and security, were tied to these and other, things. 

Things I could get using various means.  I never did resort to outright thievery.  I learned about working for what I desired.  I also learned how to cajole and manipulate through guilt.  Blaming other people for how I felt and, doing my best to try to make them feel guilty for me feeling that ‘not happy’ way.  Among the things that I counted on the most, was getting other people to agree with me.

Things that not only could be got, but could also be taken.  Which led me face to face with one of my greatest fears.  Loss.  Loss of the things and loss of the ability to get more.

A panorama of my life opened up before me.  It almost made me nauseous. 

I could get alright.  But in that getting, I never did have.  I had spent countless moments pursuing objects of my affection, that once acquired, never had  led to any firm or secure sense of anything.  Worth or loved.  What I had created instead, was a solid sense of being able to acquire and to fight to keep. 

Being Honest with mySelf, I’m like a train to get moving.  I gather momentum as I go.  That makes it easy to plough through barricades in my way without any extra effort.  I asked my momentous Self what was the purpose of all this revving of engines if I never arrived at a destination?  Perpetual motion was exhausting.  Especially when it took everything I got,  to keep going.  Aha!  Give and take…equals a net of zero.

OUTSIDE of myself, that’s where.  In things.  In Objects.  In achievements.  I saw where this train of thought had led.  To an endless series of competitions as a racing rat of an engine.   How cheesy.

Oh, by all appearances I certainly wouldn’t have been considered even close to poor, yet, it was all a screen.  A fake store front.  It provided an appearance of a person of worth.  I say ‘fake’ simply because inside my own heart, where it counted, I knew I wasn’t secure.  Everything I got, could be taken.

Worse, even if I managed to ‘keep’ whatever I ‘got’, no matter how durable the good, it eventually would return to dust.  Even plastic was biodegradable in lava.  Depreciation, depletion, amortization, erosion, devaluation, attrition, everywhere I looked was subject to outside influences.  Especially time. 

Staking my worth and sense of security on anything like this was risky.  I’d have to be pretty tricky and inventive to be able to control all these possible outside influences.  Even if I somehow managed the ludicrous idea of becoming Heap Big Chief in charge, controlling ’time’ was going to be somewhat of a challenge.  

There’s got to be something else, my Intuition told me.  I just sensed it.  So I asked myself the question again. 

‘What Values do I carry with me where ever I go?’

And it was in asking again, that I finally Understood.  ‘Getting’ and ‘having’ are different experiences.

What were the qualities of my character?  What was inside my Heart?  And I began taking an inner inventory this time.  An inventory of qualities of character I could call upon at any moment’s notice.  Any Where.  Any When.   Values of a Timeless sort of nature.  Understanding, Acceptance, Tolerance, Patience, Compassion, Wisdom and, Forgiveness.  

‘They were all there‘, I sighed to myself with a sense of relief.  Some in greater supply then others, especially Patience and Trust but, all were there.  I Had.  I realized I also Had all the Freedom in Life, to Have more.   Anytime I desired.  Completely independent of anything and anyone else.

Ever since then I’ve lived with a Secure sense of Worth.

Secure in knowing Love is very Attractive.

Secure in knowing "having" is more secure then "getting" every day of the week.