the divine feminine - i believe
unconditional love is an
immaculate concept
 I
Believe
Even faith in
nothing is a belief.
So
far I’ve talked about abilities my story started out
with.
I was born into these abilities. I have the ability to
imagine
what would enhance the quality of my life, followed by the ability to
procure and acquire the tools or means necessary to enhance that life,
brought together with the ability to initiate action, the
implementation of effort to enhance my life. Along
with my
sense of Self and my capacity to feel, these parts made up my own
immediate Universe. Everything revolved around me.
I
was a conglomeration of beliefs woven into a
personality.
Beliefs about myself, beliefs about the World, beliefs about my
relationship with the World. I also found there was a part of
me
that can best be described as an urge. An urge to expand my
field
of influence.
An urge to extend myself.
To expand awareness of myself past just me. For my Light to
shine
in somebody else’s world besides my own. To be
noticed. To
confirm my existence. To socialize.
For many decades
my story continued along the same lines as all others. I
expressed a sense of my Self. That was full of a lot of hot
air,
as it turned out. I projected a confidence and an enthusiasm
for
myself that I genuinely didn’t feel. My Light shows
were
for the purpose of attracting attention, then enthralling.
Lots
of time I was only after attention. Negative/positive, it was
all
attention. Having gotten it, I would move on to attracting
more. There always had to be more.
Except when it came
to being generous with my self bravado, I didn’t have enough of
whatever it took for genuine warmth or generosity. I was too
needy for that. Anyone who had what I was after, I’d warm up
to. For at least long enough for me to get what
ever it was
I sought. Sometimes it was only a temporary relief from
feeling
lonely or insecure. Like a circle of wagons feels more secure
then just one.
Lots of us observe this ritual. We
seek the company of others because we are dissatisfied with our
own. I asked a friend one time if she didn’t enjoy her own
company, by what semblance of rational honesty did she imagine anyone
else would? She got my point. We can be lonely in a
crowd,
especially in a crowd of lonely people.
I was sabotaged by
my beliefs, by what I had had faith in, which sure wasn’t my
self. Symbolically, I was too needy to be a sun. A
Sun
shines on everything. My Love was too conditional
for
that. BUT… I could collect satellites.
Other worlds
that revolved around me.
I would make a great
display of enthusiasm and confidence. But my show was just
that,
a Show. No real warmth but enough light to mesmerize a
following.
You see, I needed a
following. I couldn’t be recognized as a leader without
one. I needed other people who would be dependent upon me to
keep
them on track and in line. Satellites who needed to be a part
of
something bigger, to give them an expanded sense of
themselves.
These satellites fit perfectly with me, for I needed satellites in
order to give me my expanded sense of mine.
Negative magnetic fields attract negative poles.
Society’s rocks fit the holes in my head.
Some
stories never go beyond this. If the rocks don’t fit, you’re
usually pelted with them instead. Fear of being stoned keeps
many
stories within certain limits. A ‘ring past not’ of
experiences
and choices that elicit responses of generosity and charity.
More
commonly known in every culture as taboos, fetishes, superstitions or
sins.
A Ring Past Not. A limit we just don’t extend ourselves past.
Where Love is Not extended.
Where Understanding is Not extended.
Where Acceptance is Not extended.
Where Tolerance is Not extended.
Where Forgiveness is Not extended.
Where Mercy is Not extended.
Where Compassion is Not extended.
A
ring of conditions ‘a Group’ believes in common. A ring of
conditions that keep every individual in the group, in need of the
group. In order to make a BIG teepee, I have to
assemble
lots of sticks, all leaning on each other for their common support and
defense.
Many stories never get past this experience of
needing group identification. Ostracism, rejection
and
sometimes extermination, are often consequences of going beyond the
limits of cultural taboo. Especially when it comes to
thinking
and beliefs. Especially when it comes to women’s thinking and
beliefs.
In some stories it has been written that to turn
our backs on social acceptance and walk to a different drummer requires
Courage. In my story what did it, was Disgust.
I was
disgusted with the type of person I had made of myself. I was
disgusted for being so emotionally desperate. The game of
people
like me coming together in hopes of finding someone that has what we
think we’re missing. No matter how good I got at
it, I
never, not once ever, experienced anything close to
fulfillment.
I had been looking for Love in
all the wrong places and, looking for Love in all the wrong
faces. When what I really needed, was to look in a
mirror.
I was a negative pole in a negative field, looking to get something
positive out of it.
That’s when I decided I didn’t care if
I was an accepted member of the negative field anymore, even if it was
the most popular group. I decided I could best
learn to
love myself and become my own best friend, alone, then feel lonely
surrounded by company I was too scared to show my real self to.
I
really didn’t see it as ‘courageous’ at all. I saw it as
being
fed up with living a life as an object of my attachment: a stick in a
teepee. Life wasn’t exactly fine as a stick but I had learned
to
crow about being a strong stick. This fed my sense
of self
importance so long as I didn’t realize I was just a stick.
Big
stick, little stick, straight stick, crooked stick, a stick is still a
stick.
Once something is known, it cannot be
unknown. As realization of my stick status set in, my
egotistical
bubble popped. After that, I didn’t have any desire to stick
around.
As a stick in a teepee, I had no stable foundation
for my life. No way to develop any stories beyond the
teepee. If you think about it, you’ll realize like I did,
that
teepees are all single stories. Made up of a single story,
that
holds all the sticks together. A common belief. The
belief
that was common in my culture, in my story, was a belief that Love is
conditional. When I decided not to believe in this
conditional
love anymore, I went from being a stick, to being a pillar.
Ever
since then my foundation has been secure and solid, simply because I‘m
not looking outside my self for what I have refused to give
myself. I am at Liberty to think of myself any way I’d
like. I chose to give myself the experience of knowing what
unconditional love feels like. I chose to learn how to love
myself that much. I chose being Self Nurturing, so
when it
came to extending myself and expressing myself, I’d actually have
something to share, to extend to others, without any strings
attached. I could give without needing to take anything in
return.
I
chose to be unafraid to be honest. I decided I wouldn’t
manipulate my answers for the purpose of being accepted and/or liked
anymore. I’d let chips fall where they may. People
who
liked me would genuinely like me and those that didn’t….,
well...didn’t. I could feel secure and be sure of my
relationships because since I was real, they were real, too.
I
no longer felt like I needed to be liked, because I had learned to like
myself. I became a positive pole that radiated a positive
field. It took some time, like the time it would take to
change a
processing plant from processing jelly to processing peanut
butter. But the laws of quantum physics didn’t
change.
Gradually I met others who shared the same attitude and the same
goal. A social group formed.
A group of us who have
common beliefs and common goals. Pillars believe in
Unconditional
Love. It’s what makes a pillar, a pillar. Our
common goal
is cooperating together in order to create stable foundations and
environments for self development.
We’d like all our stories to be skyscrapers.
Sticks
may be smart but pillars are wise. And when it comes to
genuinely
imagining, acquiring and acting upon what actually enhances Life,
success depends not on smarts, but on Wisdom, which is Heart plus
smarts.
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the divine feminine - 