I dedicate this post to {{{tumel}}}.

All “Karma” is nothing more then Judgment.

Now I do not mean judgment as in, discernment.  Like how to discern a ripe melon.  I mean Judgment, an attitude of condemnation, leading to rejection and exclusion.   Attitudes and ideas that lead to separating people from one another.  Our “cast thee out” attitudes of Denial for “missing the mark” would be an example.

Basically, it is a Karma of Identity.   It presupposes  that on a basic level we are all the same, as has been proven through quantum physics.    Science calls this state of ‘oneness’ and ‘whole’ the “Unified Quantum Field”.  Religion has always called it “God” and “Spirit” and “Life”.  Essentially, from the point of view of Atonement (At-One-Ment), any and all Judgments are Self Judgments.

A Soul is a reflection of Spirit, transformed to function and operate at a different level of frequency, besides the Absolute.    Similar to the way electricity passes through  step down transformers in order to operate at varied frequencies needed.

Incarnation is the act in which a Soul is born into a physical body.  At that time cycles are set into motion.  For in any lifetime a Soul will develop a Personality and, that Personality will be influenced by many factors.

Each of Us, as Persons, choose how to behave in any given situation.  Each of Us chooses how we are going to respond to any of these given situations, too.  When our choice, our intent or our behavior is not in agreement or alignment with the Understanding of Spirit, then a pattern is created and, the Law of Circles or the Law of Attraction or the Law of Karma is activated.  An Aspect of our Personality is then created and becomes the vehicle for working out the ‘karma of our Soul’.

It is also True, that when our choices and behavior reflect the greater Understanding of our Spirit, then a new pattern is created, the karma transcended and, a new series of consequences begun.  This is bringing all our aspects back into alignment.   Replace a Soul habit (karma)  with a Spirit habit (dharma) and all Karma is transcended instantaneously.

Here are our major areas of Karma or Self Judgment, keeping in mind that when ever and if ever We judge anyone, it is considered a Judgment of Self.  A Soul cannot reach Atonement, while there are any patterns of Self Judgment operating through our Personalities.   All aspects must be integrated in order to experience Completion or Wholeness.

Family:

This is the area of the “sins of the parents”.  These Judgments are based upon our parents’ reputation and status.  Judgments are placed on children based on Judgments placed on the parents.  It is not until later in life when we take responsibility for our own lives, that we begin to become free of this family “karma”.

Transcendence comes from Love, Unconditional Love.  Not a love of attachment or dependency.  We have to learn how to love our family, unconditionally, free of attachment and dependency, regardless of reputation, quality of living conditions or, stresses between parents.

Children:

As a Soul,  parenting is the responsibility of raising and bringing up a child.  How we perform this task determines behaviors and attitudes our children take on as adults. Every individual’s actions reflect back upon our upbringing, until the patterns are transcended.   If patterns are operating,  we might not have any children, or children might be a source of shame or, some other form of disappointment.

Transcendence comes from Cooperation & Service to others,  specifically as it concerns Parent’s Responsibilities towards our children and, most especially our own attitudes towards our children.    As a Soul, responsible parenting is a Service done in Cooperation with the Whole.

Yet, unconditional love still heals, for with it comes the Understanding that each of us as a Parent, has always done the best we knew/know how.   There is always room for improvement.

Enemies:

This is a Judgment of our enemies and adversaries.   It activates the Law of Opposites: all imbalances move towards harmony and equilibrium.   To work against something is to give it Power.

The solution is simple but not easy.  In order to transcend the pattern we have to find a way to be supportive of our adversaries, as well as, avoid entertaining negative thoughts about them.   Even go so far as to avoid groups of people who think negative thoughts about them, too.   It is more productive to use energy to move forward,  rather then in getting even.

Social:

Throughout a lifetime friendships and group associations are developed. Karma is created when and if any of these group associations choose to adopt attitudes of prejudice and bias towards any other group or individual.  Two common attitudes are “superiority” and “inferiority”, which create consequent emotions of disdain and resentment.

Simply by being members of a group we incur the karma of that group.   Actions taken in response to a group’s activities may very well be directed at individuals, who may or may not have been party to their group’s action.

The social identification of our Soul is as a Humanitarian, in recognition of the equality and the equanimity, within the humanity of each of Us.   Group association is based upon the development of loving attitudes towards all groups of people.   Quality of character is emphasized rather then achievement of any particular physical status.

Vocational:

Judgments which elevate one profession or occupation over another are separating in nature and, create a karmic imbalance.  Any and all ideas of status are man made and give rise to illusions, which create dualities and polarities.  Some occupations are ‘looked down upon’; others are ‘looked up to’.  Choosing a profession carries with it all the judgments associated with that profession.

To transcend this karma is to understand that there is an equal value in all service performed, regardless of that service.  For the profession of a Soul is simply to Serve the Whole.

National:

This is a larger group identification but it does not proceed from a conscious choice of the individual.  Every Soul is born a citizen of a particular nation, incurring the karmic judgments and imbalances of that nation.

Every nation has a national attitude based upon the history of that nation in relationship to other nations.   These attitudes are expressed by having judgments and prejudices towards other nationalities or in being offended by other nationalities’ prejudice against one’s nation.   “Patriotism”  and “ethnic pride” are both examples of the karmic imbalance of competition.

To a Soul, the purpose of nations relating to each other is to create a merging of cultures and people, transforming and uplifting both.   One World, many nations sharing it.  Liberty entails respecting all choices and finding ways to work in cooperation with them.

Religious:

Religious affiliations incur the karma of that religious group.   These are Judgments of bias and prejudice based upon religious belief.  Atrocities have been committed by one religious group upon another in the name of deity. Religious karma carries with it feelings of resentment towards others of different religions even though individuals never meet.   Feelings of detesting certain religious groups and feelings of superiority of one’s own religion are both forms of this type of karmic imbalance.

From a Soul’s Understanding, any idea or belief of bias, prejudice, arrogance or supremacy, any idea that is separative in function is not a Spiritual idea.  It is considered man made nonsense and in no way serves Deity, which represents the Whole.  The Whole is the sum of all parts, not just some of them.  All That Is, is all that is.

Racial:

These are Judgments of any kind of prejudice based on racial heritage.  Red, Black, Yellow, Brown and, White, each group has committed actions against the others or for the others and, the karma is not yet balanced.    So long as there are feelings of hatred, anger and fear associated with any racial group, so long as there exist racial tensions, there is a karmic pattern in motion.

A Soul Understands the nature of our bodies as inconsequential.   What is from the earth will return to the earth and that which is of Spirit to Spirit.   Prejudice based on race is the most superficial of prejudices.  A Soul also Understands that in order to create the merging of all groups and races,  it was necessary to bring the races together.  Cultures were intended to merge not clash.

All Karma is based on ideas that separate Humanity into groups, categories or classes.  One group is elevated at the expense of others.  One group can only be good by making another group bad.   This is the foundation of duality and polarity.   Where there is imbalance, there will be Karma and resolution will be the purpose of the Soul.

I read a meditation the other day that turned my blood cold. I knew at the time the author had no understanding of what they were encouraging, otherwise, they wouldn’t have been doing it. Their heart was genuine and their intention pure.

It began with a visualization of imagining the bonds we have with our families, then imagining extending those bonds to include everyone else in the World. “Better not try this with me,” I thought. “  It has all the attraction of diving into a pool of piranhas. No thank you.”

I thought this, because quite frankly, I don’t find the attitude of being made into fodder for other people, to be a very Respectful, much less a Loving perspective of the Value of my Life.

For get it.

Any family that believes it ‘OK’ for any member of it, to ‘sacrifice’ their life, their pleasures, their joys and their dreams, for the sake of other members, isn’t any kind of family I care to be considered a part of.

For get it.

Let’s have the Courage of Heart to be Honest. Most of Us were raised in totally dysfunctional families. And if we think our family doesn’t fall under this category, then we’re lying to ourselves. Think the attachments we have with our family’s are bonds of Love? Well, think again.Think about how many people in our families we’d even be friends with, if we weren’t related. That’s how many family members we have bonds of ‘love’ with.

The rest, are ties that try to bind, out of guilt and obligation. They are ‘karmic’ bonds. If we could all see these karmic bonds, we could see they are ugly in the extreme. Green-black in color, slimy, oozy and putrid. They are bonds of our slavery, that all of us who worship ‘need’ are required to accept as proof of our piety.

The very last thing I’d seek to do, is create the same ties and bonds with the rest of the World, as I experienced growing up with those who have called themselves my ‘family’. I only consider ‘family’ those I relate to on a heart level. The very last thing I respond to, are calls of ‘obligation’. For I’m not ‘obligated’ to share my self with anyone.

If people act repulsive, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being repulsed. It’s a simple action of cause and effect. Negative means to negate, to repulse. Repulse what? Repulse Love. Why do we imagine negative people are always crying out they need attention? Because the water of Life cannot flow through pipes that are clogged. What a lot of our ‘families’ teach, is to override this natural law, deny ourselves and live without Integrity of being, because of the use of guilt and ideas of servitude to the group.

To transcend ‘karma’, means to dissolve it, not feed it. I’ve happened to notice how many parents whine about not being remembered by their children, blaming their children. Well…not being remembered is the natural result of choosing to be an unmemorable person. It’s not our kids fault if we’re not the kind of parent that’s worth remembering. If we haven’t been Lovable, then we have no claims to being loved, for one, is the result of the other.  Being an emotionally insecure and needy parent, is not the same as being a Loving one.  Just as raising an emotionally needy child, is not the same as raising a Loving child.

That’s why I am recommending this ‘idea’. IMAGINE yourself floating in the air. Now imagine you can see all the cords indicating all the relationships you have in your life. Have the Courage to ‘see’ them as they are. They are cords of fear. Cords of doubt. Cords of need. They are ties whose purpose is to bind. To limit. They appear greenish black, sometimes going towards having a grey cast to them, too. They’re also slimy, like ooze and, foul smelling.

Here’s the thread Simon!  The last one served its purpose, though what that purpose was mihgt only be known to me at this point….

Kundalini rising, yes, you are experiencing it.   Our Creative Center, our Root, is like a pot belly stove that just lies smoldering, waiting for a breath or two to bring its fire to Life.    It is a fire that doesn’t burn, it transmutes.  It heals.  It frees energy locked in dense states.      And yes, it does correspond  to our spinal column.   ‘A pillar of Light’ as I’ve heard even some Chiropractors call it.

Acknowledge the fact that you ARE aware of it.  It means you are connecting more and more, to other levels of your awareness, bringing them all online simultaneously.  It takes the ‘qualities’ raining upon you from your upper chakras, 9-12 figuratively speaking, to balance and clean out the ‘lower’ ones, 1-7.  ’8′ being a bridge.

Our Heart center eventually fuses with our Throat center, becoming one Unified Center that  is called our Higher Heart.

I mention the smybol of the Star of David.   Look closely.  It has one triangle on the top with its apex pointing down and another on the bottom, with its apex pointing up.  This represents the Divine Union.  Spirit/human.  Male/female.  Upper/lower.

Breathe…just breathe, that’s all it takes.  And be unafriad of whatever surfaces.  Have Faith in the qualities of your Heart.

Contemplate that there is no ushc thing as an ‘order of difficulty’ from Spirit’s perspective.   

You’re leaving a Universe of Doubt and, stepping into one that can be embraced with open arms. 

I have read of people being described as energetic ‘vampires’, ‘ticks’ and ‘leeches’. I used to use those same labels, too.   Before I understood.  Before I understood I was one, too.  ‘Vampire’, ‘tick’ and, ‘leech’ are all parasitic life forms.   Life forms that build their private worlds out of the life blood of others.   And the ‘bad’ news, is that our World is full of them. It’s what ‘We’ are.

It is the relationship pattern we have all been taught. Every single one of us. We were shown by all the examples in our lives, that draining other people’s lives to benefit our own, is ’normal’. Not only normal but the standard by which moral perfection is gauged.

Yes, I was a vampire. I used people to feed me. I used them when I was feeling doubtful to tell me I shouldn’t be. I used them when I was feeling self pity to assure me, that yes, I was pitiful. I used them when I was feeling scared to help me feel secure. Whatever feeling I didn’t have, I looked to others to feed me. Whatever nurturing I emotionally needed, I demanded be provided by others, like I was a baby and had never been weaned from Momma’s breast, emotionally.

Whatever Virtue of character I lacked, I looked to others to provide.

Over the past week I read many wonderful blogs.  A lot of them expressing questions about the same thing.

I bring forth a page and post it here.

For it is what I have to share.

“I mean we draw lines when it comes to Loving Life. ‘Life’ is an experience. And we draw lines when it comes to what experiences we willingly embrace with Understanding, Acceptance, Tolerance, Compassion and Mercy. The ‘right & wrong’ bit is simply ‘moral’ cough cough justification for our deplorable lacks in terms of qualities of character. Anytime there is a polarity issue, then a line of separation and imitation has been drawn. What Eastern mystics call ‘Karma’ is nothing more than self-judgment, where all these lines have been drawn. Look at the relationship we have with Life, with ‘God’, with the Unified Quantum Field. Is it limited? What do we reject? What experiences in Life have we and do we, pick up our swords of Mind, label ‘negative’ and, endeavor to separate ourselves from?

I was doing a private whatchamacallit. It came to me as I was finishing it up that it may very well be something other people could benefit from reading, too. Anything that would identify the person I was writing to, has been edited out. You know who “I” am.

“First thing this morning, I started writing to you. As I sat looking over the 3 pages I had written, I didn’t like it. It was like I was rambling, trying to say a whole bunch at once. So, I’ve started over and I’m going to write something a bit different.The best way I can convey understanding to you, is to share with you the way I used to be. Before I recovered myself. Before I healed my inner wounds. Because I see we’re a lot alike.

Anyone ever call you bull headed? How about ‘stubborn’? Hard headed? Obstinate?

People can’t push you around, can they?

But you can be led by the nose.Any of this sounding familiar?

Saturn

Authority

Truth & Consequences

So far in my story, I have told of those parts of myself everyone’s stories include. There is Authority in everyone’s stories, too. But whether we ever become aware of any of the other aspects of ourselves depends on this particular one. There is a big difference in always deferring to outside authorities and claiming to be one’s own. That difference is the foundation for being self governing. Being self governing is the foundation of civilization, for civilization is a consequence of people responding to others in a civil and respectful way.

When we’re not self governing, when we deny claiming responsibility and accountability for our own Volition, when we rely on outside sources to discipline and control our choices and responses, it results in misnomers and illusions such as ‘peacekeepers’.

Far be it for me to question why something that doesn’t exist needs to be kept. Like Peace. But in my story’s Society, we spent a lot of money and time doing it.

But that isn’t the worst part about denying our personal and individual responsibilities. The worst part is the self destruction and sorrow that comes with it. The waste in human potential for experiencing such states as fulfillment and bliss. The squandering of our planet’s most precious resource, it’s people.

Like my Mother and Father’s potentials were limited. Like my Brother and Sister’s potential were limited. The reason why I was asked by both my Father and Mother to do what I could to rectify the situation for future generations of the Family. Hearing my story may give my reader insight into what fuels my Courage. The Courage to express what we don’t want to hear. The Courage to bring to Light what a lot of us would prefer remained hidden in the Dark.

I was taught from a young age, by example of my Father, about ’responsibility’, ’stewardship’ and ’custodianship’. Responsible meant making decisions that were based on the welfare of the whole family, not just one person in it. There was one exception: Mom. But I’ll get to that part of my story, later.

I didn’t realize it at the time but, I was extremely lucky. My Father had been raised according to the tradition of the Freemasons. He was an Nth generation German Freemason. Even though he converted to Catholicism to marry Mom, there was quite a bit to his value system and, the Value system he taught me, that was not a result of Catholic dogma.

Little did I know it, for he didn’t ever speak of these things. He had made a promise to raise me Catholic and, he was a man of his Word. It would be decades after his death, that I would discover the Freemasonry heritage of the family. It was then I came to understand what all the lectures had been for and about.

Like I said, there was one exception to his rule. Mom. Upsetting Mom was the quickest way to get into trouble with Dad. Dad was usually a good natured fellow but had a temper when riled. Mom got her way.

I found out why years later, one afternoon as I sat in the backyard with my Mother, as I often did as her Alzheimer’s progressed, listening as she expressed herself, before she totally forgot who herself was. That afternoon her attention turned to my Brother. My self absorbed, self indulgent, irresponsible older Brother. Who had decided to move in with her just as soon as our Dad had died.

My Mother talked about how guilty she felt for him growing up to be the kind of man he was or was not, as the case may be. She said her strongest feelings were of regret. She regretted she hadn’t realized her mistake before Dad died, so she could have apologized to him.

She poured her heart out to me in tears. She described how she had treated my Dad, whenever he attempted to discipline my Brother, when it came to being responsible. She’d weep, she’d cry and when that didn’t work, she used the silent treatment for days, until Dad would cave in and comply with her request. Now that she saw what kind of person my brother was, she understood what she had done. It was her mistake, that she was now having to live with. She saw the Truth when she had to live with the Consequences.

I assured her that Dad understood. He wouldn’t want her to suffer so with guilt and remorse.

Then she turned to express her regrets to me. I asked her why and she responded by saying she was asking me and, counting on me to take care of ‘the problem’ for her. She knew in her mind she would soon be past all caring or knowing and, that would leave me face to face with him, as her Power of Attorney. She asked me to do what she had recognized she hadn’t been wise enough to do.

I gave her my Word, I would. And she knew she could Trust my Word, I had been trained well by Dad. He and I had spent many hours over the last months of his life, preparing me to take over as Steward for Mom. One of the strongest things about my Dad, was his Faith. He knew I could carry the load, he had Faith in me. I had proved it many times over.

Like the afternoon he lay in his hospital bed, just waking up after exploratory surgery, to find me beside his bed but not Mom.

“Well, what did the Doctors find out?”

“The tumor is inoperable Dad.”

“How long do they give me to live?”

“6 months, Dad.”

I remember he took a big sigh and laid back down in his bed. “How’s your Mother taking the news?”, he asked.

“Not very well,” I said. “I called her Doctor and explained what was going on and had his office phone in a prescription for something to calm her down. Then called her friend to come pick her up, get her prescription and take her home, while I waited here for you to wake up.”

“She’ll be fine, she has you. Now, at the time of my death, my Faith has been proved. I’ve always desired to be the one to die first, I just know I couldn’t live without her. And I wanted some time to prepare. It is Gift you bring me.”

“It sure doesn’t feel like it, Dad. Mom crumbled and I know that my heart aches at being the one to deliver the news. I love you, too. You‘re my Daddy and you‘re going away.

But you know me. I won’t show it. I won’t express it. Because I have to stay strong in order for all of us to get through it. I‘m the anchor of stability for the family that you‘re counting on. “

“Because I know you can do it.”

“You also know I’m not tough. I just act tough. There’s very much a part of me that would have liked to go home with Mom, with pills to help me escape from reality, too.”

“But you’re here.”

“Yes, I’m here. As you knew I would be. I’m the trashcan child. Whenever there’s something awful, something unpleasant to deal with, I’m the one it’s dumped on.”

“Because you can carry it. Because you can deal with it. Responsibility is never placed on shoulders that can’t handle it. You know that. You’re all I’ve got and thank God I‘ve got you.

I know you’re not tough but you do know how to govern your self expression. You claim authority over it. Your stable, mentally and emotionally. In any crisis, you’re a rock for other people because of how much you love them. You know how to make and enact decisions that would be difficult for most people.

You also guard yourself very well, so as never to give even the slightest appearance of weakness. My hope for you is that one day you won’t feel like you need to.”

“It’s hard to be an anchor for others while drowning in the waters myself.”

“Exactly.”

“You’ll excuse me for sounding ungrateful but exactly what do I get out of all of this? I get responsible and accountable, the rest of the family gets self indulgent and emotive.”

“You get to be the One Chosen to share the most precious Gift of my lifetime with me“, he said with tears welling in his eyes. “My Faith has been proved to me beyond a shadow of doubt. And you have been the one to not only deliver that Gift of Faith but, to also share in the revelation of it, with me.”

That was the first and last time we ever talked of his death. From then, until the day he died, more then 6 months later, our conversations were about business and family responsibilities. I knew when he died, he died feeling like a winner. He had lived more then the 6 months. That had been his last desire.

By the time I was 30 years old, both of my parents had delegated their Authority to me, in Trust. Dad asked me to take care of Mom and Mom asked me to correct what she saw as her mistakes.

My Authority figures asked me to become my own Authority, Mother and Father for the Family, carrying with it all the responsibility and accountability that went with it.

I knew both had done the best they knew how and, counted on me to make improvements. Their shoulders were my foundation in Life. They wanted me to reach as far as I could, for the next generation to use as their foundation. That’s how I was taught. That we are custodians of Life, seeking always to improve it and passing on those improvements to further generations.

My first challenge came in the form of my brother. He was a result of self doubt. He had always preyed on Mom’s doubt as to whether she was a good Mom. He’d throw his fits and hurl accusations at her, (all the while Dad wasn’t there), when ever he didn’t get his way. He’d threatened to leave and would. Leaving Mom in emotional torture for years at a time, not knowing where he was or if he was even alive. And feeling Guilty every minute that she didn’t hear from him, blaming herself for not loving him enough.

Since I had been a witness to all this, empowered by the Authority given me, I let him know I didn’t care if he left and never came back. Dad had paid for him to get two degrees, one of them in Chiropractic medicine and at age 46, he had never held a job in his life. He had always sponged off the family and other people. We did without, Mom did without, in order for him to get an education. And all he’d ever done is continually ask for more and throw a fit when he didn’t get it.

I decided it was time he learned how to support himself. Mom wasn’t around to manipulate anymore, leaving me in charge. I didn’t have any doubts about being a good Mother to him. I wasn’t his Mother. I was his little sister who had been witness to the games he played with Mom and Dad. Trained by Dad, who he never did get along with. It was when Dad told him to go out and get a job, that my brother always threw his fit, triggering Mom’s insecurities. I stopped his game at the start of it by not having any insecurities for him to prey upon.

I decided he could develop his own resources instead of always draining others of theirs. Seeds had been planted and the field watered, I was ready to see something harvested from all of it.

I also had my older sister’s welfare to consider. As handicapped as she was, she had always been responsible and accountable, using all the resources she possessed at least trying. She was my Brother’s next target. But he could only get to her through me. And none of the previous tactics he used on Mom, worked on me. I didn’t seem to care about being called a Villain.

In the days between me enacting this new family policy and him finally choosing to leave the family home of his own will, in one of his lucid moments, he actually thanked me. We’d had a fight and in his words, I’d crucified him. I nailed him to his cross with the nails he provided. It was what he needed in order to face that he didn’t know what a man his age should know. He said Mom and Dad hadn’t done him any favors giving in to his fits. After saying that, he quietly went back to his room and the next day, went out to get a job.

While he may have been living in the family home and, calling it his, I was the one responsible for it. I had simply told him his free ride was over. It was time he learned how to create abundance instead of living off other people’s. Alzheimer’s was expensive and that‘s where Mom‘s funds were going, to take care of her. I had children of my own. My resources were going to take care of them, not him.

And our Sister’s resources, well…she was doing a fantastic job in supporting herself. He wasn’t going to sponge off her. I even pointed out the ridiculousness of his wishes. He had two college degrees and my Sister, barely a high school diploma from attending special education classes. HE couldn’t stand on his own two feet but SHE could. He would get no sympathy from me. A lesson long denied him hit Home.

He told me once when people are of no use to him, he leaves and doesn’t speak to them for the rest of his life. In that statement alone, he told me what value ‘family’ had always been. I had suspected his values in life were skewed ever since I heard him describe a girlfriend as just like Mom. She had big boobs and great looking legs. I remember it took great restraint for me not to pound him into the ground for that remark, in full denial of Mom’s Virtue of character.

The last thing I offered him was a niece to hold in his arms, someone to call him ‘uncle’. But since that’s all I had to give, I had no money to spare, I haven’t heard from him since. Neither has my Sister. And that was 13 years ago this month.

Do I judge him? No. I understand him. I understand how he got to be the way he is. Or maybe was, I don’t know. It hurts to wonder.

I got to witness the whole dysfunctional play. With the last act of the play being all the players recognizing it was a dysfunctional play. And me giving my Word to ‘make it right’ for the next generation.

What my Sister and I learned from Dad was being self governing. What my Brother learned from my Mom, was a lack of it. Both taught the power of Faith. They simply each had Faith in different things. My Dad believed in Forgiveness, while my Mom believed in Guilt.

Dad had been a balance for Mom but when he was gone, she found herself alone with her Guilt. And it’s Guilt, that sabotaged both my Mom’s life and my Brother’s.

Mom had been taught from an early age that to be less then ‘perfect’, meant being rejected and punished. Her Authority in life during her early years was The Church. As any Catholic knows, it’s a whip of Guilt, applied often and generously, that leads to Heaven. That’s the cost of imperfection.

Most of my Mom’s life was lived in fear and insecurity about whether she was a ‘good‘ person as a result of such teachings. And seeing her terrorized by her fears in the depths of her dementia, was my ultimate sorrow.

That’s why I really don’t care how many toes I step on Now. Or how many may choose to be appalled by my story. Both my Parents had been taught to believe through threats of dire consequences if they didn‘t, in a God, an Ultimate authority figure outside of themselves, that was nothing more then an over bloated and emotionally insecure farce. God the Asshole.

And after all I’d been through and seen, I certainly wasn’t going to be afraid to go tell any such ‘god’, or any of his minions, to shove it. Especially since I hadn’t seen nor heard ANY responsibility or accountability being claimed for shoveling these kind of beliefs into the minds of people, through the use of force.

It didn’t work on me. For unknown to either Mom or Dad, I was sexually molested by two Priests at a very early age. They had been left as Trusted babysitters. I learned from these men, not to believe in anything they said or represented. I considered it stupid to accept known liars as any kind of authorities on Truth. And the one thing my Mom and Dad never raised me to be, was stupid.

It was because Dad was emotionally insecure that he denied and sacrificed himself to Mom. It was because Mom was insecure that she denied and sacrificed herself to my Brother. It was because my Brother was insecure that he expected me to deny and sacrifice my self for him. And I was just mean enough not to do it.

It was because I wasn’t emotionally insecure that my family asked me to deal with the issue.

The issue of emotional manipulation and of what kind of person or being, that has any use for it. The only ones that fit the job are those of us who are limited when it comes to understanding and embracing Humanity. Starting with our own.

It was what my Mom didn’t know how to do. But my Dad did. Because Mom believed in a mean spirited God and, my Dad didn’t. My Mom’s last days were spent in a personal hell of guilt and remorse. My Dad’s last days were spent in a celebration of his faith.

Turns out both were the ultimate authorities over their own lives and how those lives were going to be experienced.  They empowered me to choose for myself.  So I chose Unconditional Love.  I choose the Lily, not the thorns.  MY Mother cried enough because of those thorns.

I Love you Mom.

You were a wonderful person and Mother.

And model of my own imperfection.

Thank you for adopting me.

I asked my son to listen to one of the latest messages of sharing on the internet,
then asked for his comments.

“It sure sounds complicated Mom. It doesn’t sound simple. `Energy
balance’…? Why not come right out and say feeling needy?”

“What you’re hearing is an expression of distance, Honey. That’s
why so much emphasis is being placed on feeling. Because most of us
are generally distanced as far away from acknowledging our genuine
feelings as we can get. What most of us feel is not coming from our
Hearts, but from our guts. And we deal with these gut level
feelings in one of two ways, I’ve observed.

There’s our pattern of detaching ourselves from our feelings and
escaping into our mentality. It’s where a lot of our analytical
tendencies are coming from. I notice things like aggression and
anger on the rise and the tones of the popular music, to see what it
is we’re avoiding. What feelings we’re keeping locked inside, using
mental gymnastics and pursuits, as exercises in distraction.
There’s a lot of concentration on virtual reality going on and very
little concentration on improving coping skills.”

“That’s why you are the way you are about video games aren’t you
Mom?”

“Yes, to a point. I didn’t tell you I wouldn’t allow video games.
I would just make you unplugged from them every so often when your
social skills started suffering. You’re my math and engineering
child. Abstract concepts come easy for you.

As your Mother, my goal was well balanced. When you showed signs of
impatience and were quick to anger at your sister’s annoyance, I
would tell you to unplug for a week and read a book. Reading the
book activated the other side of your brain, your imagination. You
get too right brained, I direct you to the left. Just like when
Angela gets too left, I direct her to the right. The goal is
balanced. Well balanced.

This running away from our emotions into our mentality is like
hiding the dirty litter box behind a door. We don’t have to
acknowledge it’s full but, the smell still permeates everything.
We’re not facing our emotions but the emotions are still very much
present.

The other pattern we use is one of simply indulging ourselves in our
feelings, never mind knowing what those feelings are and why we’re
feeling them. Emotional self indulgence.

If we didn’t indulge ourselves in emotions below the waistline, then
chances are, we wouldn’t have so many issues with how far those
waistlines are expanding. Maybe if we called them wastelines, then
it would become clear what so many of us keep doing to ourselves.

Emotions and feelings from our gut level are not Loving emotions.
And it’s these emotions that we keep feeding ourselves. Emotions
that are not Loving, nor nurturing. The more we nurture these denser
emotions, the more we feel them. The more we feel them, the more we
feel we need nurturing. It is a cycle of neediness. And one of the
rules of the game is that there never will be enough.”

“Enough of what?”

“Enough of whatever. It doesn’t matter. It can’t be enough, for if
it ever was, then we wouldn’t find ourselves in need.

Reminds me of the new Lime Coke. Have you had one?”

“Yes. I know what it does.”

“Yeah, the lime is an aftertaste. You drink more Coke to kill the
aftertaste and end up with more of an aftertaste. You can drink the
whole bottle and still end up thirsty for something to kill the
aftertaste. Perfect treat for Halloween, a drink that leaves you
thirsty after drinking it.

Of the two patterns, the emotionally indulgent one is the most
draining. It usually just goes on and on and on, one guilt trip
after another. Which is one of the main reasons why so many of us
use the other pattern. To make ourselves immune to those of us
using this one.

You and Angela are good examples of the patterns. Male/female. One
lives in denial of emotions and the other wallows in it. You’ve
just got a vulture of a Mom that won’t tolerate the use of either
unhealthy pattern in my house.”

“Why? Isn’t that being kind of controlling, Mom?”

“If I don’t teach you what Respect IS, then you won’t know how to be
Respectful to others. Neither of the emotional patterns I mentioned
are Respectful of others. And yes, you may just chalk it up to
being a Condition. If I’m not being treated with Respect in my own
home, you’re going to hear about it. Chances are, so will the
neighbors.”

“How is it Disrespectful?”

“Because neither pattern Respects our emotions as our emotions.
One pattern detaches in order to avoid claiming them. The other
simply blames every emotion experienced, on someone or something
else.

The one thing that would help both, is the one thing that both
avoid.”

“What’s that?”

“Sovereignty. Respecting and Honoring our emotions as our
emotions. Then and only then, are we empowered to start governing
them. Choose to feed ourselves emotions that are Loving and
nurturing instead of those that aren’t.

Your textbook for that college Health class you took called it being
Self Nurturing and listed it as one of the requirements for being
considered mentally and emotionally healthy. Research studies have
found the link between wellness and being self nurturing in our
attitudes.

The neediness, the draining of resources, physical resources, mental
resources and emotional resources, in order to maintain the feeding
cycle.., that’s what was meant by `energy balancing`.”

“Everybody in need and fighting over pieces of a pie, instead of
claming Sovereignty, being self nurturing and increasing the size of
the pie?”

“You got it. Start balancing the energy. Make pie bigger. Instead
of fighting over pieces.”

“What’s this word mean?”

“Which one?”

“Gnost. What’s that all about?”

“It’s a term that’s been used before historically. `Gnost’
means `knowing’.”

“Well, why didn’t they just say that?”

“You’d have to ask them. Maybe they didn’t `know’?”

“That’s funny Mom.”

“I didn’t mean it to be funny but yes, I see the humor in the
situation. Been there. Done that. `We shall see, said the blind
man’. Same thing.

Jason, I know the word, because I know some Greek and I studied the
esoteric texts. `Gnost’ and `agnost’. `To know’ and `to know
not’. Both come from the root word gnosis, which means Knowledge,
but this knowledge isn’t the head kind. This Knowledge is an inner
Knowing. Ancients Greeks used to call it an Intuitive Knowing.
It’s the Knowing that comes from our Hearts. Gnost is when
Understanding sinks in.

We Understand because we Know. I taught you to be Heart centered.
To believe in what you Know and not dishonor it in favor of what
someone else said they thought they knew. I’ve hammered Sovereignty
into your head like a drill sergeant since you were little Hon.
It’s part of what makes you `different’.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“I didn’t miss the sarcasm.”

“It did make it difficult when it came to relating to kids my age.”

“I know it did. I went through it, too. It’s getting better isn’t
it? Now that you’re in college and around others that are focused
in self development?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

“Well, it’s going to get easier, too. For a lot of us. We’re
going to have more company on the play ground real soon. I don’t
know how big the wave is, but there is a massive wave of people that
just expanded to the level of claiming their Sovereignty. A great
many of us have recently chosen to reconnect and start opening our
Hearts. Now the healing can genuinely begin.

The grounding and anchoring is going on just like I suspected. This
is cause for celebration. We`re gonna’ have company.”

“I don’t understand Mom.”

“In old literature, what’s going on used to be
called ‘precipitation’. We Love an idea first in our Mind. This
mental Love is called Admiration. If we admire it long enough and
often enough and strong enough, then one day we’ll have become
comfortable enough with the idea to open our Hearts and, it will
start grounding and anchoring. We’ll start digesting it. We will
come to know the feeling the idea represents. Genuine Understanding
will literally sink in. Once it is anchored and grounded in our
Hearts, then we become able to live it. Expressing it in our daily
activities and responses to Life.

Grounding Gnost is like digesting one of those 72 ounce Texas
steaks. We can only do it one bite at a time and digest each bite,
allowing ourselves time to absorb it, otherwise, we’ll get sick.
What makes it even more of a challenge, is that most of us are
anorexic or bulimic when it comes to Gnost. It’s hard for us to
swallow, much less digest.

Just simply the word being used threw me for a loop. What threw me
was the context. It took me back almost 18 years. `Gnost`,
meaning `to know’ from the Greek word gnosis, meaning Knowledge,
Intuitive Knowing.”

“That would have helped.”

“They didn’t Know, Honey. It is this Knowing that many are now
opening up to Dear. It’s the Knowing that is now in the process of
precipitating. It’s comparable to the event of bringing down the
Berlin Wall but happening on a much more profound level. There is
great excitement and a sense of celebration as the wall tumbles.

The next thing that will happen is a realization of how much healing
work there is to be done. Like the realization of how horrid the
conditions were in East Germany and how much work and effort it was
going to take to bring East Germany up to the standards enjoyed by
West Germany.”

“Celebrate today for tomorrow reality is going to sink in.”

“Basically. Using the word Gnost is really insightful. For the
subject is Empowerment and claiming our Sovereignty. Being True to
what we Know in our Hearts. Being True to Gnost. Cease choosing
Self denial and Self betrayal. And the world will quit mirroring
that betrayal. Honor thyself. Respect thyself. Love thyself.”

“Mom, why is the pattern of self denial and self betrayal so
widespread?”

“It’s what we’ve all been taught. Monkey see, monkey do. The
pattern of denial and betrayal was formally decreed to be
the `Christian’ moral standard at the Council of Nicea in 325 AD.”

“The Council of Nicea?”

“Yes, the Council of Nicea. Nicea is a town in Turkey. Roman
Emperor Constantine I
convened a council there in 325 AD. The invitation list was very
exclusive. Only Agnostics were invited to attend and contribute.”

“Agnostics?”

“Yes. Agnostics. Agnost means `to know not’. The New Testament is
basically set against an agnostic background of worshipping
Ignorance. Make `not knowing’ a moral goal and make knowing taboo.
That’s what was done.

It was at this council that certain self proclaimed religious
authorities of the time decided the contents of the `New
Testament’. Since only Agnostics attended, only agnostic
interpretations and perspectives were declared as valid and True,
while any and all Gnostic perspectives and interpretations were
declared heresy. To speak or write of them meant a death sentence.

Reference to this is in your movie King Arthur.”

“Where?”

“Arthur’s mentor, Pelagius. It is mentioned in the movie that he
was executed for his beliefs. Because according to his beliefs,
others didn’t look so holy. Pelagius was a Gnostic. His death
sentence was due to the overriding perspective of The Church at the
time. It was Agnostic. The Church didn’t like the Gnostic
perspective.”

“Why?”

“Because in accordance with the Gnostic perspective, religion is a
personal experience of individual consciousness. A deeply and
profoundly personal experience of communing with the Knowing in our
Hearts.

For all the other little petty disagreements that were decided and
presumably set in stone at that council, the negation of the Gnostic
perspective wasn’t even argued by those in attendance. Of course
Gnostics needed to be wiped out. Individual spiritual experiences
would nullify the hierarchy and authority of The Church.

Here’s the real kicker, though…

It was also decreed that it be accepted on Blind Faith that those
who selected the books included and labeled as the New Testament,
were Divinely inspired.”

“Inspired by what?”

“By `not knowing’ obviously. But anyone who questioned the sense in
accepting `not knowing’ as `knowledge’ throughout the ages, was
summarily executed.

There you have it. That’s how we all got programmed in Denial and
Betrayal. Because it meant a death sentence not to be for many
ages.”

“But Mom, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“What doesn’t make any sense?”

“To claim to be an authority on ‘not knowing’. How could you know?”

“Does sound kind of dumb doesn’t it? It gets even worse in terms of
sense, really.”

“How?”

“We’re suppose accept this authority as having unknown powers for
determining the unknowable. We’re not suppose to question the sense
or the authority. And simply questioning is proof of wanting to
know, wanting to understand. We’re not suppose to want `to
know`. It’s `wrong’ to want to know. Obedience is `good’.
Understanding is `bad’.

I’ll show you how ingrained the pattern of `not suppose to want to
understand’ is.”

“How?”

“Have you ever seen one of your friends getting into trouble for
asking their parents or some other authority figure `why’?”

“Yeah!”

“Well…there it is. A simple expression of seeking to understand
perceived as a threat to ‘authority’.”

“You never acted that way, Mom.”

“No, I didn’t. I knew better. I didn’t want compliance. What good
would that do? You’d end up being a co-dependent that needs others
to think and make decisions for them. I don’t want to have to carry
you all my life. 9 months was enough. Nor do I want to fight with
some other female as to who’s going to make your decisions for you.
No thanks. I suppose I could have raised you immersed in The
Church’s teachings and dogma in order to control your choices. Then
I could have used guilt to whip you with, for the rest of your life.”

“Guilt over what?”

“Oh I don’t know. I could have made up something, like trying to
make you feel guilty for kicking me all those times when I was
pregnant with you. It doesn’t matter what the guilt is over once
we’ve already been programmed to respond to guilt. But I didn’t do
that either.

I knew your path, your Life’s Joy depends on listening to your own
heart and basing your choices on what your own Heart reveals to
you. It’s our Hearts that tell us our Passion. It’s our Hearts
that tell us our Joys. It’s our Heart that Loves.

I desired your Understanding. I wanted you to know how to
understand things yourself, for yourself. The more you questioned,
the more you expressed your desire to know. I supported and
nurtured that to the best of my ability. I taught you to question,
seeking Understanding. I didn’t want you to believe in the
unknowable, just the unknown.”

“I didn’t realize the worship of Ignorance was so widespread.”

“Believe me, we don’t know what we’re doing when it comes to what we
choose to believe.

The taboo against Knowing is really strong. So most of us don’t
question. Being caught questioning and not just simply believing,
is like being labeled a religious criminal of some kind. Fear of
the consequences is an overriding factor of many. Why, I’ve even
had a ‘Shaman’ quite earnestly warn me of the dire consequences of
Knowing in these days and times.”

“Why is the fear so strong?”

“Most likely has something to do with all the persecutions and
exterminations. The Cathars, The Knights Templar, The Freemasons,
The Rosicrucian’s, The Ascended Master Teaching Foundation, The
Illuminati, were and are essentially Gnostic groups.”

“Secret societies?”

“You bet. But not for subversive reasons. Secret as in, we will be
executed if anyone finds out we even know about these alternate
perspectives. The word ‘occult’ means that which is hidden.
When ‘not knowing’ became the way of the World, ‘knowing’ had to go
underground, in order to avoid being noticed.”

“All those names you mentioned, they`re familiar but I don’t know
why.”

“Most likely because you’ve seen the names before. Lots of time.
Every time we moved my library. The Esoteric teachings of all
those society’s are what’s in all those books.”

“I don’t have to read all of them do I”?

“Heaven’s no. Not unless you particularly want to. Maybe you’d
like to check my resources?’

“No way.”

“Then simply leave it at knowing there is ample reference material
at hand, should you ever be interested or curious. I think the
material is outdated myself. We are Living Beings and expand in our
Understanding all the time. You told me the information I sought.”

“It sure will be more fun on the playground with more kids to play
with, huh, Mom?”

“Yes, Dear. It will be nice to have company.”

Everything we perceive as existence is within a narrow band of light frequency.  Even the elements we define on our periodic tables, are essentially, all made up of the same:  Light.    An elements appearance and characteristics are determined where on this narrow band, they are, as determined by three magnetic fields.  X, Y and, Z axis.

All we are at the most basic level, is Living Light.