I was visiting with a friend of mine last night. He is a Fisherman, just back from fishing in the Bering Sea. Yes, he’s one of the men that fish the boats in the TV show “The Dangerous Catch”. Anyone who has experience fishing there, can easily find a job here.

He was discussing “tendering”, which is the job of baiting. When it comes to crab fishing, huge pots are baited and thrown overboard. You always get the job of tendering before fishing. He said he had spent the past few weeks “tendering” on a fishing boat here, which was getting ready to head out fishing for cod. It’s another kind of fishing and as he was saying, if he wanted to be any kind of Fisherman, then he needed to learn the different kinds of fishing. But he was tired of “tendering”.

So I spoke up…

“Do you mean that in order to be a Master Fisherman you need to be a Master Baiter first?”

of George Carlin…

Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.

And screw *u* if you don’t know how to cope with the words being said.

Offense can only be taken.

Who would have ever imagined…

that the human race would end in a dead heat.

A man rushes down the street yelling “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam!”

A woman next to me asks, “Is he crazy?”

“No”, I said, “He’s two tents.”

My sister in law came over this evening, bringing me a paper mache apple the size of a basketball, telling me something about an apple keeping the Doctors away so wanting me to have a big one.  I also got a balloon.  I like balloons.  She left, leaving me with this joke.  Now before anyone makes any judgments… it is just a joke. 

My sister in law is a real person.   She is, just as she says she is.  She makes no pretenses aand gives no apologies.  So, of course, you know we admire each other truly.  She is also a devout Pentecostal and lives in total Integrity with her belief.  She shared this bit of laughter with me, so I, in turn, share it with ‘you’, too.

What do you call an atheist dyslexic with insomnia? 

Someone who stays up all night looking to find dog.

From Debbie:

Living Will

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’.

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of 1000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn.  So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable.  If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique.  Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20.00 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back into your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like “The Force”.  It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither of them works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.