emotions.wav 

Emotion
I feel.
I can ride the waves or be controlled by them.

Feelings are inherent in our nature. No two ways about it. We ALL feel. E-motion, energy in motion. While I acknowledge my expertise when it came to suppressing and repressing my feelings, the one thing I never knew to do, was govern them. By the looks of things, most of us have never heard of being self governing in regards to our emotions, either. Our stories seem to be filled with melodramatic drama queens cast in the tile role of main characters for the most part.

One of the most freeing revelations I had, was in realizing I was in charge of how I felt. My thought patterns created peptides and, those peptides came in many flavors. When my thinking patterns told my hypothalamus to create ’fear’ peptides, then fear peptides were what flooded the cells of my body. I would say: I’m feeling fearful or I‘m feeling insecure.

According to my old habit pattern, I would blame those around me or the World, for why I felt the way I did. I didn’t know nor understand about peptides then. I didn’t realize my insecurities were my own issues. Instead, I tried to make others feel guilty for me having them. ‘You make me mad.’ ‘You hurt my feelings.’ ‘You insulted me.’ ‘Your remarks are offensive.‘ What I was too ignorant to claim responsibility for, I blamed on others.

Looking back, I would level a charge of ‘Guilty’ over anyone’s head, that didn’t respond to me, in the way I needed them to respond. What were they Guilty of? Failing to respond the way I needed them to respond. My needs, my emotional needs, were what mattered.

Did I get these needs met? If yes, then everything was fine, regardless of what it took from another. If no, then everything wasn’t fine and the person who failed to meet my needs was vilified.

Thanks to my learned attitude of conditional Love, I was emotionally needy all the time. I never really was sure of all the conditions, either. I tried to learn the ‘rules’ but they changed depending on who I talked to. The one thing that never changed was not being nurturing in what ever we believed about ourselves.

I looked deeper. Not being nurturing in my own beliefs, I looked to other people to save me from myself. To make up for what I dictated I lacked.

I was proficient in the use of coercion, extortion, manipulation and force, in order to satisfy my emotional needs. As you can guess, my relationships were always battlegrounds. I’d battle to see to it that my needs were met, while others would battle for their needs being met.

My relationships were relationships of competition. I was an emotional leech and my life consisted of socializing with other leeches. We would compete over the title of who sucked the most.

Then I realized my feelings were much like the light that shines from the Moon. The Moon had no inherent radiance of its own. It merely reflected the light of the Sun. So too, were my feelings a reflection of what I believed. If my thoughts were dark, then so were my feelings.

Wonder of all wonders, I realized it would work the same way in reverse. If my thoughts were positive, then so would be my feelings. All it took to change one into the other, was a change in perspective.

I found that perspective. I don’t really know how I did it. It just came to me one day. Always embraces all ways. On the level of ‘quantum’, there was no such thing as rejection. It’s power, was it’s inclusiveness. On that level, the Universe was all inclusive, all embracing. There was no such thing as anyone who’d ever lived that had been a ‘not chosen’. The notion was scientifically and philosophically impossible. If it exists or had ever existed, it was found Acceptable to the Universe and, called Existence.

Christ! It hit me. Love and Life extended itself for the sheer Joy of the experience. Positive experience, negative experience, it’s all experience. Every moment is a Present. A Gift.

A full life had nothing to do with length and everything to do with experiences embraced in it. I realized if I didn’t spend so much time in my imagination, living in the past, nursing old wounds, then maybe I wouldn’t be so clueless as to my future. I discovered knowing where I am had a great deal to do with understanding where I might be heading.

I had never known Unconditional Love before. All I had experienced was the lack of it. This is what made me feel needy all the time. With love upon condition, I was never sure if I had fulfilled all conditions. In speaking with others, they had never imagined Unconditional Love, either. We were all perplexed by the same issues. Issues I add, that were immediately resolved and healed, through the activity of our imaginations. We imagined Unconditional Love and found ourselves experiencing what it felt like. From then on, it wasn’t a matter of faith or belief anymore. It was a matter of knowing.

It’s only the lack of it, that we had all felt, that had motivated us to barter with ourselves. Genuine Love was exactly what none of us had ever felt. And have never stopped feeling, since we chose it as the foundation for the kind of relationship we have with ourselves. I can’t give what I don’t have. And I never will have it, if I don’t imagine giving it to myself, first.

I discovered the security of having, was much more pleasant then the insecurity of getting.

The hardest time for me, was when I was first starting to change how I thought and, subsequently felt, about myself. In realizing my emotions were my emotions, I also recognized other people’s feelings, were other people’s feelings. I was not responsible for ’other people’s feelings‘, just as they were not responsible for mine. I knew then, I didn’t have a prayer of a chance of governing anyone else’s hypothalamus. Learning how to govern my own was enough of a challenge for me.

It was with great Joy that I realized my immune system had just become empowered to nullify the ‘negative’ effects of name calling and guilt trips.

I couldn’t be blamed or made to feel guilty. Actually, I could be blamed. Just not made to feel guilty. That was another insight. I didn’t have to give the power of Truth, to what other people said or claimed to believe.

Imagine some sort of astronaut landing in the 11th century. I doubt the astronaut would believe the world was flat, even if the whole world was telling them otherwise.

I Knew I didn’t have any power over another’s feelings. None. From my new perspective, to claim that I did, would be both arrogant and presumptuous. And my actions intended on keeping another person limited in their own self realization, by falsely claiming power over them.

It was then I began to discover how many ideas I had believed in, that required other people believing likewise, in order for me to feel sure of, myself. I began to recognize my own self doubt and where it was coming from. It was coming from my Self. It was coming from believing in ideas so flimsy, that I was dependent upon others for support.

Those like me would gather together like sticks in a teepee, leaning on each other, as our only means of support. We’d all be upright citizens together. United we’d stand and divided, we’d fall. As you can imagine, every single one of us was very controlling. One wrong move by any one of us, could upset the whole bunch.

Now many of us may argue about the subject of Truth. Arguing over which Truth is true. I don’t argue. I simply state that the Truth is True. If whatever we choose to believe is True, we are sure is True, then it provides a foundation of knowing so secure, that we don’t need anyone else’s agreement for support. For the substance of Truth, is True. It stands on Its own.

I learned the lesson about the silk purse and the sow’s ear. Both appeared soft but only one had genuine substance of silk. That’s pretty much the same as it was with me and the previous identity I expressed to the world.

The reason I was an empty vessel, was because my life had so little genuine me in it.

From the Understanding I was quickly assimilating, I realized I’d feel like a complete hypocrite if I continued cursing the world for mirroring my own rejection and self betrayal.

I was the one that rejected me first.

And I betrayed my own self interest by doubting in my self.

I made these kinds of decisions when I believed in conditional love. I don’t abide love upon condition in my life anymore.

 I didn’t like the self image of bartering for love and affection.